Sometimes I wonder if I've become the worst version of myself. If I've become the person I hate most in others. It's definitely a scary thought.

I hurt others because I or someone I love was hurt by someone else. It's a perpetual cycle. I am asked to forgive y my religion. Yet when I am hurting or someone close to me is hurting, all I want is to become the worst version of myself in order to inflict that pain back into the world regardless of the casualty count.

Through hardship am I supposed to learn to be stronger? At the moment, all I want to learn is how to properly wield a nightstick to I can beat the hell out of someone. Isn't that such a scary thought? Violence begets violence. I don't remember where I heard or read these words, but I do understand the truth in them.

Ultimately, all I want is to live a quiet life. Teach. Write. Eat. Watch a movie. Occasionally change the color of my hair or go shopping. Cuddle with my cats at the end of the day. Is that too much to ask? Why does the universe have to throw despicable people my way? The kind of people that will really bring the homicidal maniac out of you. The Devil has more compassion that this person I write about. The kind of person so villainous, readers will not believe it possible should I write him into a book. Life is truly stranger than fiction. Writers are still good people and good people can not concoct the worst of the worst that we encounter on a daily basis.

Sitting and doing nothing seems more painful than facing the consequences of action. Yet, I find myself trapped. The good in me hates conflict. I would rather go to the hospital and willingly submit to needles in my arm than face conflict. Only because I know myself. I know the monster I keep at bay. Letting her out will produce a crater a mile wide and the type of fallout that sent the dinosaurs into extinction.

And so, I pray. Because what else is there for me to do? I pray for strength. I pray for patience. Above all, I pray for the common sense not to become the person I truly hate the most. The person who scares me. The person capable of hurting others without remorse. Becoming that person does not mean I ease the pain inside or the hurt inflicted. Honestly, I believe it will only lead to more pain.

Stepping Back

Depression is a sneaky bitch. You don't know you have it until you wake up one day and you realize you've disconnected from things that make you happy. For me, that's writing. I haven't written a new thing since I broke my foot back in April.

Now, I'm mobile. A limp once in a while. But what I haven't gone back to is what I say I love most in the world. I feel it most since it's NaNo and I'm not doing anything. Nada. I thought I would, but in the end, I didn't.

I thought I was doing okay. I was functioning. Waking up in the morning. Going to work. Helping my mother with whatever she needed. But I wasn't writing.

A part of it stems from all the rejection I received this year. Don't get me wrong, so many great things have happened as well. Can't share all of them yet, which is killing me, by the way. But the rejections sting worse recently. Because of the depression. I've sunken to a low place I haven't been in a while.

Which is why I've decided to step back. Take stock of myself. Find who I am again. Learn about what I want to say. Only then can I begin to find my way back to my writing.

What's been a real eyeopener for me is Jada Pinkett Smith's series Red Table Talk, wherein she gets into real conversations with her daughter and mother and a guest. There is so much enlightenment in that show that I have to hit myself in the head (metaphorically) just to wake myself up and listen. Some episodes I had to watch over and over again because there is so much to learn. I definitely recommend that you watch it. Just go to Facebook, if you have an account, and search Red Table Talk.

I wanted to end the year writing, but it's looking like that's not going to happen. I have several edits I need to perform, so I'll focus on that. I leave all the new stuff for next year. 

Hello, October!

It's that time of year again. My favorite month has arrived and I feel alive. The air is crisper. The sun is golden. All that goes bump in the night come out to play.

So many things have happened since my last post. I'm walking without a noticeable limp for the first time in months. Still can't wear heels, but I'm getting there.

I've been working on serving the church. This meant attending Sunday classes in preparation for being a reader every Sunday. It's been an enlightening experience and just this Sunday, I, with three others (including my mother) have been installed as Readers of the Word. On Saturday we find out which masses we get to participate in.

In my classes, my Grade 11 are anticipating the arrival of their short story anthology. Even I'm excited. I can't wait to share the book with them and with the rest of you. They have worked hard on their stories. This year's theme is: stuck in an asylum. Perfect for October!

My Grade 12 are plugging away on their non-fiction articles. Each week we tackle a different type of article. Last week it was human interest. This week it's lists. On Thursday they get to write their Top 10 whatever topic they had chosen to write about.

On the writing front, I've decided to participate in NaNo this year. The problem is, I have three stories to choose from. I have no idea which one to prioritize. Maybe I'll plot out each one this October. Hopefully, by doing this I can find an answer to the question: Which do I write first?

I'm also waiting on several things. If you're a writer, then you understand the amount of waiting that happens. Building patience is part of the process. I'm hoping that several decisions are made soon. Being in limbo isn't exactly the most comfortable state. 

Lastly, I wanted to remind everyone to take some time for self-care. Even if it is just taking that 20-minute nap you sorely need. Life is hard enough. If you don't take care of yourself, you'll find that there won't be much of a "self" left at the end of the day.

Still I Rise

One of my favorite poems is "Still I Rise" by Maya Angelou. In its verses chronicles the struggles of women and how they stand each time they are kicked down.

In my life, I have been kicked down so many times I have lost count. In case no one told you, life ain't easy. When I was younger, I hated being kicked down. I had a loser's mentality. I always thought, "Why me? I don't deserve this!"

But, as I grow older, I have come to appreciate the moments when life kicks me down. Why? Because it affords me the chance to stand up stronger. It gives me the impetus I need to get up and get something done.

Just this morning, I have been kicked down. I didn't even feel the pain anymore. Immediately, my mind started racing with ideas and plans and next steps. It's exactly what I needed to get me out of this unmotivated state I have been in since my accident. I felt like I was standing still for these past few months and now it's time to get a move on.

Like my tattoo says, "Action Before Inspiration." I need to move or like a shark I will did if I stay still too long. I'm excited. There are so many opportunities ahead of me I have yet to explore.

There are no shortcuts to getting to where I am emotionally. No one likes being kicked. I don't like it either, but I've learned to use it to my advantage. Now, excuse me while I head to Starbucks and plot out what I need to do next.

Set a goal then do everything in your power to achieve it. Then set a goal again.

Unpopular Opinion

I might as well come out and say it. I did not enjoy watching Antman and The Wasp. I think it's one of the weaker movies in the MCU.

I think the better writers in the franchise were too busy with Avengers 3 and 4 that side movies like Antman 2 suffered. The story line wasn't engaging. Only half the jokes landed. Some characters didn't need to be there and were just distractions from the plot.

I hope Captain Marvel, which just wrapped, does a better job. Might this be another origin movie? An introduction of a new character that will play a major role in Avengers 4? We'll have to wait and see.

With three Marvel movies having come out this year and three more next year, I understand that at least one will have a crappy story. Unfortunately, for this case it's Antman 2, not an all too significant character in the MCU. Would the franchise have suffered without this file? I think not.

The only part I enjoyed? The post credit scene. It was unexpected and totally connects to Infinity War. I thought have stayed for the second end credit scene, but I needed to go to the bathroom.

Should you watch Antman and the Wasp, of course. I'm not one to stop people from going to the movies. Judge for yourself. I gave my opinion. Now earn yours.

Emily's Russian Obsession

I have been watching Gilmore Girls for years and only now have noticed Emily's obsession with everything Russian themed. I have several examples. If there are more that I have missed, let me know.

First happens when Emily elbows her way into planning Sookie's wedding. After she is fired from the gig because nothing is cheap when it comes to Emily Gilmore, Lorelei confronts her saying that the wedding Emily is planning is not actually Sookie's but hers. Emily denies it and says the wedding she planned for Lorelei was a Russian winter theme ala the Romanovs.

The next suggestion of a Russian theme comes when Emily is planning the launch party for Richard and Jason going into business together. She even says, "It's nice that we can like Russians again." Or something to that effect. 

The last Russian connection has to do with an event in the 6th season called the Russian Tea. It was when Rory and Lorelei had their falling out and Rory was living with her grandparents. There were even balalaikas being played in the episode.

I'm sure I'm missing another event that Emily wanted to plan that was Russian-themed. I'll probably update this post when I encounter it. At the moment I'm already in season 4, about to watch episode 16. 
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