This ugly self-image followed me when I entered the university of my dreams. But I kinda forgot about it because I loved my time in college. They judged me based on what my brain could do and not by my body mass index. This marked the time of my liberation from my sense of fatness. But from time to time, I still backpedalled.
When I graduated college, I got really busy teaching that I had no time to think about being fat. I was actually so focused on what I was doing, barely even having time to eat, that I got thin without even thinking about it. Did this make me feel good about myself? Hell to the no. I still felt fat every time I looked at myself in the mirror.
Now that I’m doing what I love and I find myself happy every damn day, I’ve left behind seeing myself as fat. I’ve begun to become comfortable in my self-worth and I actually look at what I see in the mirror. Sure there are extra pounds here and there, but I don’t see myself as fat anymore.
But there are days—when the fat comments come from my own mother—that I think I might spiral back into starving myself to the point where my hair will fall out. When I’m feeling good about what I’m wearing my mother would sit beside me and think she’s doing me a favor by saying I shouldn’t be wearing dresses because I’m fat right now. That I should think about losing weight. Sometimes I want to scream at her to just leave me alone. She thinks being thin will make me feel better about myself. What she doesn’t know is when I was at my thinnest, which is a hundred pounds at my 5’3” frame, I still felt really fat.
Every day is a struggle. I struggle less and less each day. I just wish my mother would get off my back about my weight. If I tell her so? A fight will break out. She’ll think it’s my fault and she won’t understand why I’m questioning her. Believe me, I’ve done it before. I just want a place to vent. So here I am…venting. Feel free to vent in the comments section too.
Okay, I feel a hellovalot better.
Thank you for reading! *hugs*
Now, back to work. I saw my editor just take out a whip.