My Valentine's Letter to You

Dear D.,

So, it's been what, five years since? And I still can't find it in myself to visit you. I'm sorry. Why'd you pick today of all days? Note the hint of bitterness here. I'm trying to get over it like you taught me how. You were always good that way.

There's something acutely tragic about losing love on a day especially dedicated to lovers. I know you'll be angry with me, but at the back of my mind I know. I've let myself go, and allow my mother to ridicule me, because I can't stand the thought of another man seeing me the way you saw me. Beautiful. Attractive. Sexy. Have someone else hold my hand. Have him trace the curves of my body with his fingertips. I don't fit into the clothes you used to love on me anymore. I don't have the heart to give them away, but I thought if they didn't fit then I could still keep them without having to wear them. Crazy, I know. You would have kicked my butt by now and pushed my fat ass onto a treadmill.

I hate that I have to think of you in the past tense. I hate the past tense.

I started dating again. Well, one date. Do you remember S? Well, I owed her a favor. I don't know why I even said yes to this. I figured I needed to get out of the house some time, right? So, I went out. I dub this the Date From Hell. It made me want to crawl back into the cave you left me in and never come out. Knowing you, you would have found the entire thing hilarious, laughing at the look on my face. The guy ordered for the both of us. Sadly, he ordered salmon. Granted, he didn't know I was allergic. I politely told him so and he didn't believe me, insisting salmon is good for me. DHA and Omega whatever. The whole time I wanted to stab myself with a fork. He even ordered me wine. Normally this would be okay if I wasn't sober. Again, I told him so. And you know what he said? One glass wouldn't kill me. I got up and left, wishing the entire time I could call you so I could tell you about it.

Safe it to say, S is no longer our friend. *laughs*

Today, I'm carrying around a you-shaped hole. I'm fine the rest of the year. It's just today. Today. I can't ask you why, it's useless. And if you could answer, it would be, "Because I can." That's your favorite answer for everything, isn't it? You buy me a pair of shoes and when I ask you why you answer because you can. You convince me to ditch work for the day so we can have a movie marathon and when I ask you why we would do that and you'd say because we can.

The pale band on my finger has long since faded. There are days when I catch my gaze drifting to it, wondering where the band went then I realized it's just gone. That you're gone. I think what I miss most are the things I discovered about myself that you brought out. You got me hooked on dystopian novels. You showed me how to stop and watch birds bathe in a fountain. You taught me how to keep myself warm on a rainy day. You showed me how to get out of a traffic violation (I still hate you for that, by the way. I thought I would die of embarrassment).

My picture of you is fading. I can't quite recall if you had diamond flecks in your eyes or starbursts. I forget what your cologne smells like, even if sometimes when a guy passes me by just when I inhale, and bam, it takes me back to you. I'm starting to forget the feel of your callused hand. Or the sound of your voice when you say my name.

You said you would never hurt me. My heart aches and you put it there. But I'm getting better. I honestly think I am. The days when I wish to see you're smile in person are less and less. I think I'm almost done with picking up the pieces. I think I'm ready to wear my old skin over the new me.

Know that I love you, D. I will always love you.

Happy Singles Awareness Day.


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